Relationship Advice: My Fiance Is Too Secretive What Do I Do?
I am a single mum of one engaged to a single guy intending to settle down pretty soon (next month). The thing is my fiance is so secretive, our marriage has been postponed as far am concerned once and another postponement looming ahead (February this year).
We did an informal introduction to my siblings and parents in March 2013, I then thought we were going to settle down before the year 2013 ends, only to find out in September or October that he shifted it to February 2014.
As I write this, none of my family members has been informed that we are looking at next month, I have intentions to do both traditional and church wedding, but he insists he does not want people to know yet as most of his plans does not work out when he reveals them to lots of ears.
He has been self-employed all his life and was doing well until 6/7 months back. We are both in our late 30s, I am totally frustrated about a lot of things in the relationship at the moment.
My patience has run quite thin and out, I know I won’t last more than February with him.
I just need your opinion.
Karo's Reply (Admin)
He shifts your wedding date to February without discussing it with you first.
Now February is just one month away but your parents are not even aware there will be a wedding in one month.
And then he gives the excuse that "he does not want people to know yet as most of his plans does not work out when he reveals them to lots of ears". And that's supposed to make sense to you why? Because you're 12?! Sorry I'm almost pissed by how silly that sounds.
Anyway, my dear, I'll like to say straight away that you should leave him before he finally leaves you because I'm almost certain with all you said that his plans don’t include you. But I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt. So because of that instead I'll advice that you talk to him seriously. See it as a last chance you're giving him. Talk to him clearly without trying to paint anything. Ask him straight forward questions like "Do you love me anymore?" "Don't you want to marry me anymore?" "Is there someone else, if there is at least be honest with me and let me move on" etc.
It's possible he does love you and wants to marry you but he's having money trouble and too proud to admit it to you. You did say the Introduction with your family was done in March and since 6/7 months back his business hasn't been doing well.
So talk to him. But don't accuse him of anything. Don't be rude. And don't pressure him, but instead give him a chance to see he can trust and count on you. You're about to be partners for life, so if he's having any trouble he should confide in you.
Remember we're giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Find the RIGHT time to talk to him. A day he seems happy and relaxed.
So that you're not interrupted you can even invite him out. Tell him you love him and want things to work out. But because of this and that you're wondering if he feels the same. Talk and also give him the chance to respond.
But be prepared too for the worst. If his response to you doesn't convince you then it's likely our first assumption were right.
Usually we women know when we're being toiled with. So even if he assures you that there's nothing to worry about, he could be lying. It has happened to me before. I asked straight forward questions and got the response I wanted to hear but that I knew wasn't true. And in the end it turned out I was right. He wasn't taken me seriously; at least not until I left him.
If you realize you have to move on, don't despair. If couples who both love each other admit that marriage can be hard. Imagine what you'll get when you go into it with someone who doesn't love you. It's not always easy to let go especially when you're a mature single woman thinking you've finally found the One and will be walking down the aisle soon as many expect you to. But like I always say, the wedding is just for a day but marriage is a life time commitment. You won't find a perfect partner however you can find someone who is committed to go the long distance with you.
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