Secret Marraige Without The Bride's Parents Consent - How Will The Parents Feel?
Will a parent who loves his daughter so much come to understand her after her secret marriage since he didn't agree when her spouse came asking for her hand in the past?
Karo's Reply (Admin)
For a parent that loves his daughter very much it will be a big blow to be completely sideline from his daughter's wedding regardless that he refused when your partner seeked his consent before.
I believe in the power of love and that love can conquer many hurdles. However getting married without a parent's consent is a tricky one.
What comes next is not to make you feel bad but to help you understand the need to do whatever it takes to make sure your parent gets over the betrayal and repair your relationship.
Family is important. Love is beautiful. And marriage, two great lovers coming together to start a new life is wonderful. However no matter how much you know the person you're married to and how much you love each other, nothing prepares you enough for some of the struggles you'll face later on. And during such times, your family is often the only ones you can count on for unconditional support and strength to cope. Now if you've alienated them, then who will you turn to?
Alienating yourself from your parents to get married, makes you vulnerable in a relationship.
Moreover, even when you start a new family, the family where you're coming from should still have an important place in your life. The new family you'll start and the ones you've had should be able to get along for the general peace and unity of the both families. That is why when a parent or parents disapprove or fail to give their consent of who you choose to marry, the solution isn't and shouldn't be as easy as saying, 'let's elope and have a secret wedding. They'll come around after we do'.
Usually parents take such betrayal very personal. And it could permanently damage one's relationship with his or her parents, which will therefore damage the relationship of new families that will be introduced, grandchildren, cousins etc. Even affecting the relationship between the newlyweds.
For the benefit of other people reading this, and if you could do it over again, here's what you should do when your parents won't give their consent to marry the man you present to them.
- Listen to them even if you don't agree.
- Give your best effort to try to get them, your parents and your intended, to get to know eachother. In doing this, give them time even if it means you have to wait a few years to get married. If you and your partner truly love each other, then waiting a few years wouldn't be a problem.
- If that doesn't work, then seek help from the elders of the family. The elders will call the man and talk to him trying to know him and decide if he'll be good for you. And if he's really good for you and your parents fail to see it, the elders would very likely not. Some people in the same situation have found this helpful.
But now that the deed is done, what do you do?
Try talking to your dad (I assume the parent you refer to is your dad). See how he feels about it. Don't be surprised if he doesn't even want to talk to you. But try anyway. And give it time. Don't expect him to forgive you easily and don't get angry and give up no matter what he does. Try, give it time, then try again. Show him with every opportunity that you love and respect him. The consequence of giving up on trying is estranging yourself from all your extended family.
Now you need to protect both families, your parent from hurting your marriage and your spouse from giving in and distanting himself from your family. Isolating from friends and family is a red flag in a relationship.
You both may have to sit down and set boundaries in your relationship with your parent so that his disapproval doesn't become a wedge between you and him.
Finally it may be helpful to talk to a marriage counselor.
"Studies show that parental disapproval of a spouse can create distrust, criticism, and conflict in a marriage. If this happens, see a marriage counselor." - About.com