Signs Of Abusive Boyfriend And What To Do If You Find Yourself In An Abusive Relationship
In part one of the signs of an abusive relationship I defined what relationship abuse is, I talked about the reason behind abusive relationships, why people remain in such relationships and I shared my own experience with an occasional abuser.
In this article I'll go straight to discussing the common signs of an abusive boyfriend.
This article discusses many signs of an abusive boyfriend. Watch out for one or a combination of them. An occasional abuser as I've shown from my experience in the previous article on the subject can go undetected if you don't pay close attention. And even when a boyfriend abuses you occasionally, you need to accept that it's not okay, abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter if he only hits you, rapes you, or talk down at you etc once in a year or once in three years. He should not do any of those things at all.
Now there is a difference between someone flaring up occasionally out of frustration or anger saying naughty things, slamming doors and/or hitting things and an abusive boyfriend who resort to emotional and/or physical abuse as a way of subduing you.
We're all allowed to have our crazy moments once a while. Life is tough and we can't always be in control of our actions even if we want to. However, no matter what, we don't directly and intentionally hurt the person we claim to love during such moments. If we do, especially if it becomes a habit then that's abuse.
And we want to draw the line when it comes to how we allow people to treat us. Protect your self-respect and your life. They're the two most important things we all have in life. And we risk losing both when we tolerate abusive relationship.
Common Signs of An Abusive Boyfriend
It is as important to detect one or more of these signs in a friend's boyfriend as it is to detect it in your own boyfriend. And this is because usually the victim of abuse can't see the reality of it until an outsider points it out and finds a way out for them.
- He's always right: He tells you and/or makes you feel you're always the one who is wrong and therefore the cause of his outburst. He's never willing to accept his mistakes. Instead he'll tell you if you hadn't done this or that he wouldn't have done what he did.
- Intensive jealousy and possessiveness: He doesn't want you talking to any other guy. He doesn't want you socializing with others. He wants you all to himself all the time. If you have to do anything it has to be with him. If you go out alone he gets angry and lashes out. A boyfriend that has intense jealous and he's very possessive of you is very likely to abuse you too.
- He wouldn't take no for an answer: He insists that you to do things his way and wouldn't rest until you oblige him; even though that will not mean well for you.
- He doesn't have regard for his parents: He's rude to his parents or usually dismisses them. Someone who does that is likely to behave the same way with your kids if you fail to see his behave for what it is now and you go all the way with him and get married. He may even behave well with his parents, especially when you're there because he doesn't want them telling you things about him and scaring you away. Or he doesn't want you seeing him for what he really is.
- He's action is unpredictable: You never know what to expect from him and where you stand with him. Is he going to hit you, shout, or sweet as he sometimes is. Does he love you or doesn't he? What are you to him really? Does he see you as his bitch or his girlfriend? One minute he's talking to you in contempt and the next minute he's professing his undying love for you.
- You're afraid of him: With him you always feel like you're walking on eggshell. You don't know what to say that will set him off since the funniest of things, disagreements and criticisms have set him off. When you're away from him you have mixed feelings. On one hand you miss him and can't wait to see him. But on the other hand you're glad to be away from him. And when you're seeing him again you're excited but dreading it.
- He pressures you to make a commitment with him: He's expression of love is very intense even though you've just started seeing eachother only recently. He wants you to say you love him even when you're not there yet. He wants you to move in with him. To you things are moving too fast especially in a way you're not comfortable with.
- He talks down at you: Nothing you wear, no hairstyle you make and nothing you do pleases him. He'll always tell you if only you're as busty, tall, slim etc like this and that person. He'll always comparing you with other girls when you go out. He condemns you over the smallest of things.
- He treats you as his property: Always telling you "you belong to me and me only" in a tone you're uncomfortable with. He interrogates you endlessly about where you've been and who you've been talking to.
- He's quick to anger: Any little disagreement and he's already yelling, calling you names and slamming things.
- He abuses alcohol and drugs: He takes alcohol and drugs to excess.
- He'll do anything to keep you in the relationship: When you get angry and threaten to break up with him he'll beg you and promise to change. Or he'll do whatever it takes to have you forgive him and take him back each time you break up with him. And you'll think he loves you and you're the problem. But you're not. This is simply another way he's controlling you and not taking a no for an answer!
- He's a regular cheater: He'll flirt with and have affairs with different girls without trying to hide it from you. It's because he knows you're in his power and will never leave him.
- He repeatedly threatens to hurt you: Expressed through words or physically. For example Tina Nash said each time her boyfriend would beat her he'd always go for her eyes. And he eventually did gouge her eyes out.
What do to if your Boyfriend display signs of Abuse
The best thing to do is get out while you can before things get worst.
Read these words and let them sink in.
- It's not your fault that he's abusive. You don't deserve to be treated that way. You're not a bad person and you deserve better. No you're not lucky he's wants you. Actually you're unlucky he does.
- An abusive boyfriend doesn't love you even when he claims he does. He's simply playing mind games with you to keep you in the relationship.
- You can cope on your own. When you're overly dependent on your relationship you're stuck in his power.
- No you can't change him. Don't be fooled by his promises to change. If he really wants to change, then ask him to seek medical help. But make sure you're far away from him. He's the one that has the problem. Not you.
- A man that hits you once will hit you again simply because it becomes easier and he knows he can get away with it like he did the first time.
Tina Nash referred to in the first part of this article, the lady whose boyfriend gouge her eyes out, had this advice for anyone who's in an abusive relationship. She said:
You are not to blame and you do not have to suffer in silence, there is a whole life waiting for you, so set yourself free.
It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.
If you don't have the strength to leave, talk to someone. Get help. In some countries like the US they have a helpline a victim of abuse can call. In Nigeria I doubt there's anything like that. Even if there is it wouldn't be effective for several reasons. Except you take the time to go to the police station and make a statement against him. The best thing however still is to breakup with him. If he's insistent then move far away and don't let him know where you're going because if he does he might plan something bad against you.
I read sometime ago about a woman in Nigeria that broke up with her boyfriend and moved away but her boyfriend still found her out and poured Acid on her, disfiguring her face completely.
The best time to leave an abusive boyfriend is usually at the beginning. Leave at the first signs you see before you get too deep and he becomes vindictive when you leave.
If you meet someone and your friend(s) express concern about his behavior listen to them. Tina Nash could have avoided that relationship altogether if she had listened to her friend before he started dating her boyfriend.
Ten years before the couple started dating Miss Nash met Jenkins briefly but recalls a friend warning her he was a 'psycho'.
Reports cornish man.
As for me, I broke off my relationship with my first and only abuser boyfriend many years ago. However it wasn't for being abusive since I didn't see the problem with that then. Now I don't take lightly the possibility of a man being abusive to me. Now I know the signs of abusive boyfriend and I look out for the slightest sign of abusiveness and I'm out. Sometimes I don't even start the relationship if I sense it in any way while we're still trying to get acquainted. I deserve a man who will love, respect and protect me and you do too.
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