We Planned Getting Married This Year But Now She Doesn't Love Me

by Yemi

I have been dating this lady for 5 years. In all those five years, one thing I kept battling with is her falling in and out of love with me and time even came when she fell completely out of love with me; I fought till she fell in love again. Now, we are that point again; she is out of love with me, problem is we plan to get married in 2015, I am almost through with my NYSC and I recently met this other lady, she has an ugly past that includes her having done several abortions. I love her but having hard time accepting her past, one is because I have never had sex, I just feel its not fair to me. The issue now is, should I forget about those 5 years and quit fighting for her? If I am to do this, how can I achieve it because I don't know how to let her go and how can I bring myself to accepting the past of this other lady? Please advice me, I am so confused.

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Jan 16, 2015
You Deserve To Be Loved For The Rest Of Your Life
by: Karo Itoje (Admin)

Hello Yemi,

Sorry my reply was delayed.

As I was reading your message I kept asking myself why you would want to be with someone that keeps falling in and out of love with you. I can't understand that. Actually I doubt she has ever been in love with you. I'm curious to know what you do each time she falls out of love with you to make her fall in love with you again. She may just have a selfish interest that each time you fulfill it she pretends to love you and when you don't she becomes herself again, a woman who has never and very likely will never love you.

Here's what I told someone sometime ago, I said I can't waste my time on someone who doesn't love me no matter how attractive he is in appearance and within, because for every person who doesn't love you, there is at least one person who will love and want you. And when you waste time with someone who doesn't love you, you risk missing out on that person who actually would have loved you.

You need to realize that you're someone who deserves to be loved. And please don't ever marry someone who acts like that, because what happens after you marry her and she claims to fall out of love with you again.

Now about this other lady you met, how did you know she had done several abortions? Did she tell you? If she did, then shouldn't you be more concerned about the fact that she told you? Because that says a lot about her character. It would mean she's a very honest person, someone who didn't want to keep secrets from you.

We all have a past my dear, some more ugly than others, but we all have done things at one point or the other in our lives that we wish we didn't do or would not do if we could turn back the hands of time. It wouldn't be fair to judge her by her past. What you should do, if you're concerned about her fertility state or whether she can still have kids after all the abortions, then go with her to a medical center and have them do all the necessary test.

It's not fair to you that she's had sex when you haven't?

I'm sorry I almost laughed at that. And here's why...

A woman doesn't owe her virginity to a man. What I am trying to say is her virginity was hers and she decided who to give it to. Was it right? No. But we don't love people because they are virgins. That's not what determines whether a marriage would work. What determines it is a person's character, how well it's compatible with yours and whether or not she can play her wifely and motherly duties.

Here's my advice to you. Forget about the woman you have been in love with but that keeps falling out of love with you. You not being able to let her go has nothing to do with loving her, it's more like you've gotten obsessed with having her. And or you have a low self esteem that doesn't let you see that you deserve to be loved and that someone else can love you. If you go ahead and make her marry you I'm sure you will regret it early in the marriage.

How to bring yourself to forget the other lady's past? Forgive her. Realize that she's human. Humans are imperfect and many fall several times. But as long as we don't stay down when we fall, God forgives us each time, so why not you?

However if you try to forgive her and honestly don't think it's something you can get over, then please find someone else to love, because if you can't get over it and yet you go ahead with the relationship and marry her, it would affect the way you see her and therefore the way you treat her, which would lead to serious conflict in the marriage in future.

I hope I have been able to help you out.

All the best to you.

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