In the first part of the subject when to get married, am I ready for marriage? We assessed YOUR readiness for marriage. I discussed in detail questions you need to ask yourself to be able to personally answer the question should I get married am I ready for it?
Now in this second part I want to help you assess your significant other, is he ready for marriage? And is your relationship ready for the next level?
The questions asked in the previous article can be used by both partners to determine their personal readiness for marriage. I'll just add a few more things here for you the woman to answer and assess your boyfriend with.
And if you're a man reading this then these are more questions you need to answer honestly to determine if you're ready to get married now or perhaps you need to wait a bit.
The role of a man in a marriage relationship as the head demands more from him to be ready.
Can he provide financially for a family? Usually as soon as you get married, you'll get pregnant. That's often the case with Nigerian couples. The society here expects it of us here and so does everyone else. We'll rather wait to get married than wait to have kids after getting married. So you're likely going to be starting a family immediately. Is he prepared for that? Is his apartment ready to house a family? If he lives in a one room apartment does he have near future plans to move? Does he have a job with a consistent salary pay?
Usually when it comes to money it's not as important how much he earns as it is how consistent his income is. In Nigeria here there are many people who work but the companies don't pay them until one or two months later. You can't count on such income. If his income his not consistent, then before taking the next step with him he needs to either get something else with a consistent pay to support his income or you work and you're willing to support him in the meantime while he looks out for another job or learns a skill to start a part-time business to support his income.
Does he feel ready for marriage life? Marriage obligations will eat into his time as much as yours. Your lives will take a new direction afterwards. So does he feel prepared for that? Sometimes some men set targets for themselves to be achieved before they get married such as certain degrees to obtain (professional courses, master degree etc) and certain level of financial comfort such as renting a flat, owning a car etc. They do this with good intentions. They understand that once they get married they can't think of only themselves anymore. And they need their time to themselves now that they're not married in other to stay focus to do some of the things they want to do. And they want to do all that in other to be able to give their wives and their kids a better life than what they had growing up.
If he's that type that have set such target for himself, then don't pressure him to get married because even if he oblige for fear of losing you he could resent you for it later. So if that's the case with him, and you want to get married now you have two options. Either breakup and move on to someone who's ready as much as you are for marriage or wait for him to be ready. You can use the time to better yourself while you're waiting. Remember it's not how far but how well.
Is he someone you can look up to? Does he show maturity? If he does a poor job of making you feel loved, cared for and protected then that's likely going to be the case with your future children. And when choosing who to marry you're making decision for your unborn children as well and they are counting on you to make the right decision and give them a good role model figure. You don't want to let them down.
Is he a good leader? Is he capable of making his own decisions or he has to talk to his mother first? Does he make you feel intimidated each time he does something for you? Is he a bully? Does he feel the need to show you who's the man in the relationship with every wrong move you make?
Is your relationship with him abusive? If it is he's definitely not ready. And you should move on.
How does he handle disagreements or misunderstandings when they arise? Does he talk it out rationally with you and you both resolve it maturely and come to an understanding. And end it there without keeping grudges? That is, something else doesn't happen and he brings up something you've both talked about before and let go of.
Or would he rather not even discuss issues when they arise and pretend they never happened and move on?
Do you accept the whole of him? There's no perfect person anywhere. So you can't possibly like everything about him just as he likely has a few things he doesn't like about you. However you must have made peace with the things you don't like about him. That is although you'd rather he did some things differently but since he doesn't no matter how much you'd complained about it, you've accepted it as part of him. If there are such things you don't like and you're with him hoping someday he'll change, then you likely want to move on while you still can. Else you'll keep complaining about it and he'll never change, but you will. From the sweet lady that you are, you could become nagging and bitchy as a result.
The foundation of your relationship isn't built on the physical attributes. He's so cute. He's awesome in bed. He lavishes me with gift. Etc. And vice versa. If your relationship is built on physical attributes and you get married, in no time you'll realize it's not enough to take you both the distance.
The person you should marry should be someone you can have endless conversations with and feel at home with. Someone you would consider as a great friend if you were not romantically involved. Someone who would always see the good in you. Someone who's reasonable. Considerate to others not just you. Someone with the desire to always make things easier for you and keep you happy. Do you think your present boyfriend/girlfriend passes as that someone?
You're on the same page about what you want. Do you have similar goals? Say you want to get married soon, does he want the same? Say you want kids right away after getting married does he want the same? Where does he want to live?
To explain further...
Sometime ago a guy was trying to get close to me with the intention of marrying me, at least that was what he said. And I started to get to know him. Quickly I realized he was the type that wasn't sure of what he wanted. One day we'll talk and I'll try to plan with him. He was still living with his mum. He needed to move out I told him and he said he was working on it. He was looking for an apartment. And I think, okay, we're heading somewhere.
But then another day I see him and he's telling me how he wants to travel abroad. That meant he'll marry me then live me in Nigeria and travel out of the country. I then told him that the main reason I wanted to get married was to have a companion. Someone we'll handle lives ups and downs together. If he wanted to marry me and then leave, I told him there was no point of me getting married because I'll be right back where I was; living alone and longing for a companion.
So it's very important that you have similar goals to afford wasting your time.
How does your close friends and family feel about him? Yes, it's your relationship and therefore who you choose to marry should be your decision alone. However if everyone who knows him with you seems to think that he's wrong for you, then you may want to start paying attention. One or two persons can be wrong and just saying things because they're envious, but when it's almost everyone, then you should pay attention and reassess your relationship.
So when should you get married?
Well, when you've personally assessed yourself and decide you're ready for marriage, and you've assessed your boyfriend and you think he's ready too and you assess your relationship with him and you think yes, this is it! Then that is when to get married. If you're the man then that is when to propose marriage to your girlfriend.
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